Power 90 Xtreme

So, I've had P90X for over a year now and I'm happy to say that I'm as fit as a fiddle... As healthy as a horse... As flexible as a Ballerina... I’m nimbler and quicker than that “Jack” kid could ever be! And I can jump over a whole box of candlesticks, not just one. I’m so extreme you could light the box on fire and I’d still jump it. Plus, I'm freaking RIPPED, yo! (Does anybody have any duct tape?) My veins bulge everywhere! (...not just the cock veins anymore.) It's insane! Sometimes I just want to make out with my reflection, or fuck myself. FUCK MYSELF HARD! The only way I can do it... Finger in the... WAIT! I'm going in a direction that you don't want to know about. I better stop. HA!

Ok, maybe all that was a lie. I'm not ripped... I have had P90X for over a year though. ...and it did work when I did the exercises. But once I got into shape and started attracting all the bitches, I quit. I couldn't handle the pressure. Plus, everyone constantly wanted to wash their clothes on my abs. HAHA! Here I go lying to you again… I don’t know what’s up with me today. Anyway, my reason for posting this is… *DRUM ROLL PLEASE* I’ve gotten back into doing my routine. (Fuck yes, GO ME!!!!) Who cares about the fact that I was supposed to start back in January? Not me. Eating like a hungry hungry hippo was the greatest feeling in the world! This time around I think I have it all figured out though. I truly know what the "P" in P90X stands for. …and it is NOT Power... Or Penis...

When I first started this exercise program last year it wasn’t that hard to fall into the routine. You know, since I was already working out and had a God like physique… and maybe because I was much younger. I did get sore the first few times I did it though. (That’s what she said.) …but now!!!!! After 5 days… I’m hurting in places that I didn’t even know I had. It hurts when I laugh, it hurts when sneeze, it hurts when I poop! It burns when I pee… Hmmm, I don't think that last one has anything to do with my workout. Har har har! After some of these workouts I even shake like Michael J. Fox. I’m feeling so old! Due to all these achy muscles I initially thought the P stood for PAIN. But noooooo, I was wrong. My soreness actually feels good now. I’m like, (In My Macho Man Voice:) “Oh yeah! Feel the burn! Bring the pain!”

The pain means it’s working, right? …just checking. Ok, back to my discovery… You will lose weight and get fit if you do P90X the regular way, that’s no lie. But to use it to your advantage and lose even more weight you have to do what the “P” stands for. “What does the P stand for, Jord? I’m waiting!!!” Wait no longer my friends. The P stands for…………… Are you ready?!?!?!

PUKING!!!!!!!! Yes, puking.

I learned this the hard way… I don’t necessarily enjoy puking, but I think my body does. For a while there I was starting to think I had morning sickness or something. Then it was brought to my attention that men can’t have babies. Then I was like, “But I saw a pregnant guy on TV…” …come to find out it was just a woman who didn’t go all the way with her sex change. Well played, Television… well played. Way to shatter my dreams of getting knocked by someone famous. Let’s get back to the story…

Usually the only time I puke is when I’m really wasted, smell something disgusting, or when I deep throat. Haha! JK about the deep throat. So far this week I’ve puked more than I have in the past 5 years. I hope all of this barfing doesn’t continue in week 2. I’m starting to feel like I have Bulimia. Haha! If it does continue I may just have to quit exercising all together and just go on a METH diet. Either way I’m going to end up skinny with gross teeth. But it seems like it’ll be more fun if I take the meth route… Plus I’ll get to trip out and chase after Leprechauns that ride on Unicorns.

Ok… I think that’s all for now. My fingers hurt. BYE!