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Love... SWEET love...

Greetings, people of the internet... I hope you are all doing well and living syphilis free. If not, bummer, dude. :( ...oh, and put some cream on that shit. Anyhoo, I'm here to tell you about how I'm in love again. Yes, me! IN LOVE!!!!!! Can you believe it? Don't get it twisted though... I'm not in love with a stripper or hookers and cocaine. (You know, since I'm not T-Pain or Charlie Sheen.) I am in love with... *drum roll please* brrrrrr brrrrr brrrrr <--- HA! That was a sorry attempt at typing sound, it makes it seem like I'm cold. ...ok, where was I? Oh, I was about to tell you what I love. Ok, here Goes... I'm in love with................... MASTURBA.... Hey, what the hell?!? I don't know where that came from. My mind was thinking COFFEE while my hands were thinking Masturbation. Sneaky hands, how dare you? ...but yes, Coffee. I'm In love with COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!!!! (Whoa, apparently I...
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Power 90 Xtreme

So, I've had P90X for over a year now and I'm happy to say that I'm as fit as a fiddle... As healthy as a horse... As flexible as a Ballerina... I’m nimbler and quicker than that “Jack” kid could ever be! And I can jump over a whole box of candlesticks, not just one. I’m so extreme you could light the box on fire and I’d still jump it. Plus, I'm freaking RIPPED, yo! (Does anybody have any duct tape?) My veins bulge everywhere! (...not just the cock veins anymore.) It's insane! Sometimes I just want to make out with my reflection, or fuck myself. FUCK MYSELF HARD! The only way I can do it... Finger in the... WAIT! I'm going in a direction that you don't want to know about. I better stop. HA! Ok, maybe all that was a lie. I'm not ripped... I have had P90X for over a year though. ...and it did work when I did the exercises. But once I got into shape and started attracting all the bitches, I quit. I couldn't handle the pressure. Plus, everyone constantl...
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Whoop that trick...

There is a very long list of people that would benefit from a nice, solid, movie-style backhand across the goddamn skull. You know, one of those shots that starts with your feet planted firmly side by side, your right hand down by your left hip as you bend your knees slightly when your body rotates to the left and then, in a blur of violence, you bring that hand up and across your body? You'll know you did it right if you get up on your tippy-toes. Also, your hand should sting deliciously. Normally, I abhor violence, but this damn economic turmoil and global warming has got my head in a fit. Ok, get this... Two teenage white girls, walking out of Target the other day, most likely to daddy's S-Class. I assume they're talking about Lindsay Lohan or mojitos or getting finger banged by some random douche nozzle. As they walk past me, I see one of them point to a handicapped parking space and sigh, "Oh my God, look at the size of that handicapped joint, girl!" I looked...
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The greatest news you'll receive today...

Guess who's back in the Mother F*****G house... with a fat BLOG for your Mother F*****G eyeballs? That's right! I am back! So crack open the Champagne and order some hookers, let's get it poppin' in this (word for female dog). I know you've missed me... If not, screw you in the arse with a dildo made from cactus. Yeah I said it. :) If you didn't know, I kind of took a little break (which consisted of a few years) from blogging ...but I'm back! Well, not back, per se... it's more of an attempt. I'm not sure if my brain still functions properly. (I'm a little rusty.) You may not be aware of this, but I was once a "funny mother fucker" (I know right? Me? Funny? It's hard to believe.) back in the Myspace days. Anyhoo , now it's time for me to crack my knuckles and dust off this little old brain of mine. Bare with me, (...wait! Did I just invite you to get naked with me? Let me try that again.) Bear with me , it may take some time fo...
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